Moment of Impact
by forever-lost-in-paradise
Summary: They were together. Their forever was certain. So why this? Why her? Why did this have to happen to them now? One moment Kate Beckett is safe...the next she is fighting for her life. Their relationship is put to the test. Can love carry them through the darkness?
1. Chapter 1

Moment of Impact

Author's Note: This story has personal ties for me. It is a story I really want to share. This is my first Castle fic, so please, feel free to criticize it if characterization is off or if my writing is subpar. Many authors that write for this fandom are incredibly talented, and I know my skills do not compare to theirs whatsoever, but please give this humble fic a chance. This takes place with an established Caskett relationship!

Disclaimer: I get to watch Recoil on my birthday…guess what I'm actually counting down to? Wouldn't be doing that if I owned Castle!

CHAPTER ONE

Sunlight streamed through the window as morning broke. The light permeated the entire room, eventually pooling on top of the king-sized bed. Gradually, the luminescence roused the two sleeping inhabitants of said bed. For several moments, though conscious, neither person made any attempt to leave the large masses of blankets….or each other's arms.

"Crap!" Richard Castle suddenly exclaimed, leaping from Kate Beckett's embrace. She too bolted out of bed.

"Castle, we're going to be late!" she sternly admonished, scrambling to find suitable work attire while trying to rub straying remnants of sleep from her eyes.

"Must've forgotten to set my alarm," he mumbled, hastily buttoning his shirt. "Gates is going to kill us! This is the third time this month!" He was not being hyperbolic. Though Captain Victoria Gates was privy to his and Beckett's more-than-just-work-relationship (and had been for three months), her reluctant decision to allow the professional partnership to continue did not come without cost. Any misbehavior by either of them could result in Castle's dismissal from the precinct or Beckett's loss of a job altogether.

"When I'm sent to mall security, I'll know who to thank," Kate muttered under her breath. Despite her annoyance, both she and Castle knew that the night before had been more than worth any disciplinary action Gates might take. While their relationship was not perfect, it could not be argued that their sex life was certainly not a problem area.

"I'll go make us some coffee," Castle said. As the faster dresser between the two, he was often in charge of the morning beverages. Not that he minded. Coffee, of course, was the long-standing symbol of love in their relationship. It was a way to say the three words without actually saying them. He had long ago seen the irony-he, the writer, preferring a non-verbal communication, but then, maybe that was just another part of his life that Kate had changed for the better.

When he had two steaming lattes prepared, he finally heard the patter of feet as Beckett joined him in the kitchen.

"Come on!" she urged as she took the mug from his grasp. Castle wanted to remind her that of the two of them, _she _was far more responsible for their tardiness, seeing as it took her a long time to get dressed, but he bit his tongue.

After all, Kate _did _sleep with a gun.

~RK~

"What do we have here?" Beckett asked as she approached the crime scene, half-finished coffee still in hand.

"Long night?" Ryan asked, stifling a laugh. "How many times have you guys shown up late now?" One pointed look from Beckett shut him up. Esposito, who was busy "feeding the birds" with Castle, was quite fortunate not to meet a similar fate.

"Female, mid-30s, single GSW to the cardiac region. Lividity indicates she's been dead about eight hours," Lanie stated as she glanced up from the prone body lying unceremoniously next to a pile of trash.

"Any ID on her?" Beckett questioned.

"None that I can find. Guess you and the three knuckleheads will have to search through missing persons' records." The spunky ME sent an especially-pointed glare towards Esposito. Despite her urgings to Beckett not to wait too long to tell Castle how she felt, Lanie herself still had not found the courage to tell Javi that she still had feelings for him. She masked her attraction to him with trite remarks, but it was obvious to almost everyone that it was all an act.

"Mob hit." Beckett didn't even have to turn around to know that Castle had settled in next to her.

"That the best theory you have?" she asked sardonically, rolling her eyes. Neither Lanie nor Castle missed the smile that graced her lips. Even after all this time, he could still chip away at the all-business side of Kate Beckett.

"Well, I normally would say CIA, but they wouldn't just leave her out like garbage," he replied.

"The vic was shot at point blank range. This was personal," Lanie commented, her eyes moving up and down the body.

"He left her out by the trash, though. It's personal, yes, and the killer didn't have any remorse about what he or she had done. There's no way they can claim this as an accident," Castle mused out loud.

"Hey, Ryan, Espo!" Beckett suddenly called. "Canvas the surrounding areas and see if there are any witnesses. Castle and I will head back to the precinct, okay?"

"You got it boss," Ryan said. The two started to head back, but not before Esposito sent both Castle and Beckett a knowing grin.

"Just hope that Gates never finds out about your…..late arrival."

One simple look and he fell silent.

_Much later, Richard Castle would look back on that morning and wish that he could stop time right there. Leave everything as it was. He would long to turn back the hands on the clock…If only he had known. If only…..if only….if only… _

_But time has no allegiance to anyone. It plods on, the unwavering soldier…and will stop for no one. _

So that was a teaser chapter….I hope you liked it! Please leave me a review if you liked it/hated it/want to throw fruit. If you have criticism, I would like to hear it—no other way to get better, right? I will do my best to update this thing when I can! Thank you for reading


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two _A/N: I'm super sorry that this update is so late...so much happened! This is coming to you from my recently-acquired laptop (17th birthday!) so hopefully now that I have this I can update at a faster pace. Thanks to all who read the introductory chapter! You all are stars:)_

"Beckett, my office please!" Gates' voice suddenly broke through Beckett's line of concentration. A bit startled, the young detective dropped the missing person's file she was currently thumbing through.

"Yes, Sir," she stammered. Her heart began to pound in rapid succession. _Had someone told her that she and Castle were late arriving to the crime scene? _Trying to keep her facial muscles from contorting in the guilty way they so often do, she followed her captain into the stoic room.

"Relax, detective," Gates gently admonished, which shocked Kate. "You're not here for disciplinary reasons."

"Then why am I here?" she questioned, quick to get to the point.

"I just wanted to commend you for your excellent work these past few months. I know I've given you a bit of grief for your relationship with Castle, but it hasn't affected your job performance whatsoever."

"Uh, thank you." Beckett was unsure of how to respond. While she appreciated the flattery, it seemed completely out of character for the no-nonsense captain.

"I know what you're thinking, Detective. But I genuinely do appreciate your efforts. I just wanted to tell you that you can clear out early tonight. There's no reason for you to stay past five-thirty or so. Why don't you have an evening to yourself for once?"

"Sir?" Kate couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. Since when had her personal well-being been any of Gates' concern?

"Do you want me to make it an order?" the older woman asked, brow furrowing ever so slightly.

"No, no, that's not necessary," Beckett replied quickly. "This is just surprising, that's all."

"I'm not all work, Detective," Gates said with a pointed look. "But it isn't five thirty yet, so I expect that you have quite a bit to do until then." Still stunned, Kate could only muster a half-nod before excusing herself from the office.

"What was that about?" Castle asked as she approached her desk.

"Gates gave me the evening off. It was the strangest thing...completely out of the blue. She thanked me for my hard work and said that I could leave at five-thirty..." Kate's voice suddenly broke off. Castle's eyes were twinkling mischievously

.

"Did you have something to do with this?" she pressed him, though she couldn't keep the smile out of her words.

"Detective Beckett, why on earth would I pull strings to get you out of work early?" the author asked, a conniving grin plastered on his face.

"Out with it, Castle, or I'll have to continue this line of investigation in the box." This only heightened his amusement.

"Well as you know, Kate, I am happy when you spank me," he teased with a heavy wink. "I fear no punishment." Kate blanched, fresh out of retorts.

"All right, guess the game's up. Since you insist on finding out the truth, I guess this won't be a surprise anymore. I talked Gates into letting you out of work early tonight so that we could have a nice night together. You really do work too much and I figure that you deserve this. It only took an antique doll and the promise of a pre-release copy of the next Nikki Heat book to convince her. I tell you, Beckett, she's softening up a lot." By the time he finished speaking, Kate's mouth was agape.

"Castle, you shouldn't have! How much money is this costing you to bribe her?"

"I don't know, but you're worth it," he answered in all seriousness. "I know that we aren't close to any special day or anything, but that's what makes it better. The unexpected moments are the best kind, I find." Kate desperately tried to frown in disapproval at Castle's frivolity, but she was so touched that all she could do was beam at him.

"That's really sweet," she murmured, despite herself. She stared into his eyes, the two blue orbs that always reminded her how much she was loved, how much she was wanted, how much she needed him. Even after years of partnership, he was still doing whatever he could to see her smile, to make her day just a little more extraordinary.

"Yo, Beckett, check this out!" Esposito's voice interrupted Kate's thoughts. Her eyes dropped from Castle's. It was only then that she realized her lips had been mere millimeters from his.

"What did you get, Espo?" she asked, a very faint hint of disappointment evident in her tone. Castle also looked a bit put out, but he was working hard to compensate for it.

"A couple of people living around the area said they heard shouting shortly before the gun went off. From what they were saying, the confrontation was pretty heated. They identified the other person as male, but no one actually saw anything."

"Anything else pan out?" Esposito shook his head.

"This isn't a very nice area. Most people don't even like to talk to cops. I wouldn't expect any more info from them, to be honest." Beckett nodded, inwardly cursing Castle's timing. As much as she wanted a night on the town with her partner, this victim needed justice, and it didn't look like it was going to come anytime soon.

"Kate, I think I got an ID," Castle suddenly spoke up. He held up a picture of a woman that matched the victim exactly. "Sarah O'Connor, age 34. Last seen two days ago by her boyfriend, Chris Tanner."

"Two days? She was killed less than ten hours ago," Esposito said with a frown. "That's weird."

"Let's bring in the boyfriend, see what he knows," Beckett instructed. "I'll come with you if Ryan is still canvassing for witnesses."

"Yeah, he is. Dunno why, though. I mean, how is he going to get back to the precinct. But he said he still wanted to check with a couple more potential witnesses, even when I told him there was no chance they would know anything."

"Right. Castle, I'll be back in a few." She flashed her partner a small smile. As she put on her coat, Castle swore he saw her mouth "_I love you". _The two detectives left in pursuit of the boyfriend before he had the chance to return the sentiment.

_And then...it was almost too late for him to ever say it back. _


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

_Okay, so obviously my updates are lacking. But you're getting one now, so there's something to be happy about, right? Thanks for sticking with me. Besos to all! _

Once Kate and Esposito had left the precinct, Rick found himself staring lazily at the murder board. Normally, crazy theories would be zooming like ersatz pinballs in his head, but this time, no CIA conspiracy or hitman plot came to him. Instead, he found himself focusing primarily on his date that night.

Not that his plans were anything extravagant. There would be dinner at Drago (one of the perks of being a famous author, Rick reminded himself)...and then (after a quick change of clothes)...the park. For as long as he'd known Kate Beckett, there were only a few times when she truly had let her inner child out. What better way to unlock the little girl inside her than by going to a park, swinging on the swings, running in the grass? Of course, he realized she might see his idea as juvenile, but then, she could surprise him more than anyone he'd ever met.

His phone rang suddenly. The Caller ID was unfamiliar. Brow furrowing ever so slightly, Rick hit ACCEPT. "Have I reached Richard Castle?" a cool female voice asked, devoid of any emotion. "Yes," he answered. "Who is speaking?"

_And then his life stopped._

_Car accident._

_Impact was on driver's side._

_Driver was thrown from the car and landed on her neck._

_Driver is in critical condition._

_Kate Beckett was the driver._

_No._

_Not her._

_Not now._

Rick's heart remained lodged in his stomach as he drove-no-barrelled, to the hospital. _Why don't I have a damn siren? _he wondered feebly as he sat through a near-perpetual red light, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from falling freely down his face.

_Not Detective Beckett's fault._

_Other driver was speeding, possibly inebriated._

_Detective Esposito has only minor injuries._

_Come to the hospital as soon as possible._

_Call her family._

_Why her?_

_Why is it always her?_

_Why isn't it the other driver?_

_Why isn't it...me?_

Arriving at the hospital, Rick made a beeline for the OR waiting room. His eyes immediately fell on Esposito, who was seated dejectedly in a straight-backed chair, looking as though he'd been yanked from a nightmare.

In a way, he had. This had always been Rick's nightmare.

Except it was real this time.

"Espo," he breathed. The detective looked up. His black eye was only at the forefront of the tapestry of contusions that covered his face. The vibrant purples and blues melded together to paint the picture of what had happened.

"She's been back there almost an hour," Esposito mumbled, his voice sounding hoarse. As though he had been yelling.

_What if he'd been yelling for Kate?_

"Does she...does she have a chance?" Rick was afraid to ask. And he was afraid not to ask. He swallowed, as though that would somehow clear the clot of emotion that was collecting in his throat.

Silence. Which was more than enough of an answer.

"This is my fault," Esposito finally choked out. "I didn't need her to be there. I could've driven at least, anyway. Why the hell didn't I drive?" He shook his head, not even bothering to conceal the fact that he was crying.

"Is the other driver going away, at least?" It seemed like such a stupid question to ask-as if the freedom of the man responsible was in any way going to help his Kate-but it was something.

"You can be sure of that." Just then, Ryan burst through the doors, wearing an equally emotive expression on his face.

"Javi, just tell me what happened, okay?" he demanded in an uncharacteristically harsh tone, not wanting to mince words.

"We were going to do that interview...and then suddenly...there was a car barrelling towards us...it all happened so fast...Beckett had no time to react. She just flew through the windshield. It was like her seatbelt did nothing to protect her. She slammed into the ground. I was able to get out of the car and I went over to help...God, she was just lying there. And then I noticed that her neck was bent in a weird way. But she was still breathing, Castle, she was still breathing." But Rick could barely listen to the horrific story by the end.

"Did...did she wake up at all?" he finally queried, finding his voice at last. Esposito shook his head.

"No. No, she didn't. But I stayed with her. No way was I going to leave her alone. Castle, you know she's like my sister. I love her and I wish that it had been me that flew through the windshield." Rick could read between the lines enough to know that the detective was begging for forgiveness.

"I know that this isn't your fault. Kate knows that too." Saying her name, however, caused a twinge of pain in his heart. He couldn't keep the tears in any longer. Falling into a chair, Castle began to weep shamelessly.

_Kate._

_I love you._

_I love you, Kate._

_Stay with me._

_Just stay with me_

The words ran through his head, over and over, gaining momentum, becoming a mantra.

_stay..._

She had to stay, didn't she? Fate couldn't just rewrite their story...this wasn't the right ending for them. It couldn't be. No. Not after all they'd been through. Not after all the waiting, the lies, the love. No. This wasn't how their story was meant to be written at all.

Time passed. And soon, though _soon _was far too late for anyone's liking, the surgeon entered the waiting room, asking for the family of Kate Beckett.

_"_We're all her family," Rick answered, sweeping his arms around the room, eyes lingering for a moment on the recently-arrived Lanie, who was in Esposito's arms. _Tragedy brings people together._

And then his life stopped again.

AN: Hey guys, sorry for the weird font at the end. Long story that will bore you to tears. Story is story, I say, regardless of font. The italics were meant to show Rick's nonlinear thinking and their disjointedness hopefully reflects his worry for Kate. I want to keep the reveal of her condition for the next chapter (though perhaps you guys can figure it out) because I feel like it would be lame for me to tell everything in one chapter. Kind, yes, but lame. So I shall be cruel in the name of (hopefully) better storytelling. Please review, though you are of course not under any obligation to do so!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"She's stable." Never before had Rick felt such overwhelming relief. She had done it. Kate Beckett had beaten the odds. Inexorably, inexplicably, she was still alive, still fighting. He felt the tears pooling unabashedly in his eyes, these ones of unspeakable gratitude towards the doctors, the nurses...and perhaps the Higher Power who had saved her from death's clutches once again.

"Is she still critical?" Lanie asked directly, her medical knowledge coming in handy. The doctor nodded solemnly, kneading his head scrub in his hands.

"Yes, she is. Just because she's made it this far doesn't mean that she's completely out of the woods. She's under sedation and will continue to be until she's recovered substantially. The head trauma is quite severe. However, I don't believe that the neurological damage is as pronounced as originally feared. She shouldn't have too many cognitive difficulties when she wakes. That, I must assure you, is a medical miracle, considering what she went through." Those in the room issued collective sighs of relief. However, there was a slight edge to the doctor's tone that Rick easily picked up.

"Is there something you aren't telling us?" he questioned the surgeon. An eerie silence followed. The doctor's eyes fell to the ground and he shifted his body weight ever so slightly.

"Well, as you know, Detective Beckett virtually fractured her neck when her body slammed into the ground. We...we were able to operate enough to save her life..."

"What does that mean? She's going to be okay, right?" Castle didn't even believe his own words. The pieces were aligning themselves in front of him...but he couldn't put them together.

"It means that Detective Beckett, as of now, has no mobility below her neck." _No. _A pained gasp burst forth from Rick's lips and he made no effort to silence himself. Paralyzed. Kate was paralyzed from the neck down.

"Kate's a quadriplegic," Lanie murmured, her voice catching. "This can't be happening." But it could. It was. Kate Beckett, the tough, badass homicide detective, who made suspects squirm in the interrogation box, who ran the streets of New York in high heels...now probably could not even feed herself.

_All our plans, _Rick mourned feebly. Everything they wanted for their future...was gone in an instant. In that singular moment that her body had impacted with the ground, her life had been thrown from its axis. Their life. Together. There would be no more working in the precinct. No more impromptu trips to exotic places. Already Rick had been planning on asking her soon if she would be willing to bear him children...and now she wouldn't be able to.

_And she never even got to swing with me._ The frivolity of swings of course paled in comparison of everything, but for some reason, this thought struck a chord within him. She would never get to release her inner child...never. Her freedom had been snatched in one cruel second. Gone forever. Just...gone.

_ "_When can I go and see her?" he finally asked, bitterness permeating his tone.

"Not unless you're her family," the surgeon replied, any trace of empathy completely evaporated. "You're clearly not her husband and her only living relative is her father, Jim Beckett, who does not appear to be present. I'm sorry, but under hospital regulations, you're going to have to wait here.

"I'M HER FAMILY! I LOVE HER!" Rick burst out. "I LOVE HER WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE! LET ME SEE HER!" Angry tears snaked traitorously down his face. He panted heavily for a moment before composing himself.

"I...I just need to see her. I need to see that she's alive. I need to hold her hand and tell her everything's gonna be okay and that I'll love her for always, no matter what happens. Please. I just need to see her."

"Follow me, please," the surgeon muttered. Without another word, Rick followed the man down a long corridor. The hospital was truly a labyrinth and it took a good couple of minutes before the pair reached their destination. Opening the door, the surgeon turned to face Castle.

"Normally, this really isn't allowed. But you've convinced me that you love Detective Beckett more than I've seen most husbands love their wives. Take good care of her so that you won't prove me wrong."

"I will," Rick whispered. The surgeon seemed satisfied and walked away. Alone at last, Rick nervously made his way into the room. His eyes immediately fell on Kate. The sight of her nearly stopped his heart. She was lying completely still on the starch white bed, tubes ribboning around her pallid body, a myriad of machines humming and wheezing at her side. A halo enveloped her neck, the contraption almost painful to look at. A tube protruded from her mouth, presumably providing her with oxygen. Bruises were smeared against her face and a long jagged cut was stitched over against her forehead.

Not knowing what else to do, Rick pulled up a chair and brought it up to her bedside. He gently took her bandaged hand in his, rubbing smooth circles over the blood-tinged gauze. Underneath, he could feel that her skin was cool and somewhat clammy.

"I love you so much, Kate. So much. I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry. You're going to be okay though, you hear me? You're going to be just fine. Everything's going to be okay when you wake up, okay?"

_Maybe if he said it enough it would be true. Maybe everything really would be okay. _

_ "_Don't you give up, Kate. I loved you yesterday. I love you today. I will love you tomorrow, no matter what happens. So you keep breathing and I'll keep holding your hand until you wake up. And then I'll tell you how much I love you all over again. We can have our always, Kate. We can. Please stay with me. Stay with me, okay? Stay, if only because I love you, Katherine Houghton Beckett."

_Silence._

So he repeated his words of love, of promise, of always...and waited for the moment when there would be no silence. He waited until Jim Beckett arrived and joined his vigil, waited until night fell and a nurse begged him to go home and get some rest, waited until night gave way to dawn, waited until the sun hung high in the sky once more.

He waited for her. Because he had waited four years. Because...for her...he could wait for forever.

_Thanks for reading, all! I don't know how medically accurate this is, though I did look up a picture of the type of halo Beckett might have right now...and believe me, it is not something I want. A close relative of mine became a quadriplegic in a diving accident and so I am somewhat familiar of what that entails, but if my memory fails me and I slip up with any of this stuff, by all means correct me and I will make necessary edits. I never want to have authenticity ruin a story for a reader so I will try to research this as best as I can. _

_Special love to the person that wished me happy birthday!:) And thanks again to those who reviewed, alerted, and favorited! It means so much!_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

_Okay, so this was supposed to be up a couple days ago, but after I'd typed out a good part of it, my computer went Josh Davidson on me and killed the thing. I was way too frustrated to start over at that point. But I digress. Thanks once again for the constructive criticism (and I agree with it totally and thanks for being kind about it), fluffy reviews, subscriptions, and for making me feel at home writing for this site. _

Four days. It had been four days since Rick Castle received the call that ended life as he knew it. Four days since he'd first laid eyes on Kate, love of his life, in her hospital bed. Everything had changed. And nothing had changed. Because she hadn't so much as blinked since he'd began his vigil at her side, even though her sedation had been lowered considerably. It was as though he was looking at a crudely-constructed sculpture of Kate...she was just so broken...so motionless.

And yet she hadn't lost any of her beauty. Not that it would have impacted his feelings for her at all, but Rick had initial fears that she would be completely disfigured. These worries were completely selfless; his anxiety was on her behalf. Kate was not a vain woman, but he knew her confidence would be shaken if she had to go everywhere in public with nothing but scars covering her face. Mercifully, however, the bruises were losing their prominence on her body and the cuts were slowly fading into her skin.

"You're so beautiful, Kate," Rick whispered to her, placing a chaste kiss against her forehead, careful not to jostle her halo in any way. The doctor had warned him that any movement of her neck could be devastating. Despite this, Castle found himself unable to have no contact with her. Excepting the rare moments when he had to use the bathroom or grab a bite of food, her hand had remained firmly in his grasp and he had spent hours simply stroking her hair, her cheek, whispering sweet nothings in the hopes she would respond. But she remained as she was.

_Never walk again. _The words often reverberated against his ears, echoing loudly even though they'd been spoken long ago. If there was one thing Kate truly embraced, it was her independence. For so long, she'd been forced to carry the world on her shoulders, and even though she'd let those walls down for Castle, she hadn't relinquished her stubborn ways. And now she was in a position where she HAD to be dependent. Her survival literally rested on the hands of others. Rick wasn't an idiot. He had more than a clue of what her life would look like when she woke up. How much care she would need. How her independence was forever gone without her consent. To call what they would go through an uphill battle would be a gross understatement. But he was willing to see it through with her, if only because he loved her.

"Just wake up, okay? Please. I miss you so much. I miss your gorgeous eyes. I miss that special smile you have just for me. I miss your sass. I miss the way your nose crinkles when you're teasing me about my crazy theories. I miss everything about you, because everything about you is worth loving." His words were some of the most candid ones that he'd spoken. But now that he'd very nearly lost the only woman he'd ever truly loved, he found that he could speak freely about how deep his feelings for her really were. He just wanted to reassure her that she had someone to come back to, that it was okay to wake up because he would be there and she wouldn't be alone.

"Any change?" Jim Beckett asked as he entered the room. He looked exactly how Rick felt: tired, haggard, worn. His bloodshot, baggy eyes mirrored Castle's exactly and the faintest hint of alcohol on his breath revealed his sheer grief at his daughter's helpless condition.

"None. But I'm not giving up." Nodding, Jim sat down opposite Rick, taking Kate's free hand in his.

"Katie won't, either. Never has. She always beats the odds, even from birth. Did you know she was a preemie? She was born at 24 weeks. Even though she was hooked to a ventilator and easily the smallest baby in the NICU at the time, she had the most fight. I could see it. Not just because she was my daughter, but because I could see it in her eyes. I've always been proud of her tenacity, her strength. She's going to make it, Rick. And I can't thank you enough for staying with her all the time like you have been doing."

"I love her. There's no where else I should be than here," Castle replied simply. "And please know I will give her whatever care I can. I will do everything in my power to get her as healthy as possible."

"I have no doubts of that, Rick. Your actions speak louder than words of how much you truly love Katie. I can think of no one else I'd rather see my daughter with." Although the idea of marriage was not even close to being on either one's mind due to their current worries, Jim clearly had given his blessing over their relationship.

"Thank you. I'm honored." Suddenly, Kate's eye twitched under her lid. Despite the breathing tube still shoved unceremoniously down her throat, she was able to emit a weak moan.

"Kate!" Both men were on their fate, their faces lit up with new hope. Squeezing her hand as much as he dared without hurting her, Rick silently begged her to wake. After a moment of tense waiting, Kate's nose twitched.

"I'm going to get a doctor," Jim said briskly and left in haste. Rick remained where he was, tenderly caressing her cheek, as though his actions would physically pull her back to him.

"Wake up, Kate. I know you can do it. Just open those beautiful eyes for me, all right? Please? Please try and open your eyes, okay?" Rick hoped his pleas were enough, that his words, which had brought him so much already, could also bring his Kate back. Her eyelids slowly lifted and she blinked rapidly. It was evident that she was trying desperately to keep her eyes open, but the struggle was great. Eventually, her gaze focused on Castle. Never before had he felt the relief he did in this moment.

The moment when the love of his life returned to him.

Due to the breathing tube, there was no way Kate could speak, but there was no need. Words had perhaps called her back, but now that she was here, they weren't necessary.

Her eyes, filled with confusion but also with love, spoke the words she wasn't able to say.

And Rick hoped that his own eyes, now glistening with tears, were enough of a message to her as well.

_I love you._

_ I love you so much._

_ Thank you for coming back. _

_ I love you._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"She's awake?" the doctor asked, entering the room with a professional briskness. Two angular nurses trailed behind him.

"She just opened her eyes," Rick said in awe, still in a state of disbelief. For four days, he'd been at her side, hoping, praying, whispering words of comfort...anything to get her to come back to him. And now she had. He couldn't remember a time when he'd felt more relief, more unadulterated joy.

"Let's check her vitals," the doctor instructed. Immediately, the nurses converged on their patient, taking blood pressure readings, checking the monitors, all the while jotting near-incomprehensible notes on her chart. Kate's eyes were still wide open, watching with curious confusion all the activity happening around her. Rick desperately hoped that the drugs were at fault for dulling her senses...and not neurological damage.

"It's normal for someone to be disoriented like this right after they wake up, right?" he asked the doctor, a sense of urgency permeating his tone.

"Well within the bounds of normalcy, yes," the man replied without looking up from his work. "She was unconscious for four days. Give her a few minutes to acclimate herself. We'll run tests, but nothing so far has suggested that she's been too affected, cognitively speaking." Rick nodded, though the doctor's did nothing to ease his worries.

"Vitals are fairly strong," one of the nurses told him. "Your girlfriend is a fighter. We're going to be able to extubate her now." This certainly was a relief. Kate was clearly uncomfortable with the tube and its removal could only help her situation.

"Thank you. And she is a fighter. She's the bravest person I've ever met." The nurse gave him a small smile and waited for the doctor's go-ahead to begin the extubation process. When there was certainty that Kate would be able to breathe sufficiently without the tube, the doctor approached him.

"Extubation is not exactly the most pretty medical procedure. You might want to wait outside. We'll bring you back in when she's settled, all right?" There was an edge to his voice that revealed that this was more like an instruction than a suggestion.

"Doctor, I can't just leave her," Rick protested. "I want her to be able to see a friendly face if she gets scared or something." His eyes fell once more on her. Tears were starting to fall down her face, likely from fear, pain, and disorientation. He couldn't bear to see her cry, but at the same time, he didn't want to step away when she was so upset.

"We want to be able to do our jobs efficiently. That's not going to happen if you're in our way." His voice lacked any sense of congeniality. But Rick didn't care.

"What if I'm not in the way, though? What if I'm just in the room, just someone she can look at when she gets scared?" He wasn't simply going to follow someone else's demands, especially not when they concerned someone he loved.

"Fine," the doctor muttered. "Just don't lose control of your emotions. This is going to look kind of ugly." "Thank you." Rick took several steps back to ensure he was out of the workspace, but still within Kate's line of vision. Their eyes met.

"Just keep looking at me!" he called to her. "I'm right here, okay? Just look at me when it hurts, okay?"

But this quickly became an impossibility. The procedure commenced in a flurry of motion, arms reaching for equipment, bodies blocking the entire bed. Rick lost sight of Kate entirely.

He could still hear her, though. The moans. The cries. The anguish was visceral, thick, and it seemed to be glaring straight at him. _You should be at her side. If you really loved her, you would push all those people away and stand by her, just like you promised. _In his heart, Rick knew that this wasn't logical, that Kate would be better off if he remained where he was, but at the same time, his emotions were running unchecked. He needed be next to her, needed to see her beautiful eyes that could open, needed to feel the heart that was still beating, needed to hear the lungs that were still breathing. He needed to _know _that she was truly alive, awake, that she had come back to him.

At last...the tube was out. The doctor turned to face Rick once more. His demeanor seemed much kinder than it had earlier.

"We're done. She's breathing fine. We've administered more painkillers, so she'll be in and out for awhile. But she was able to answer our basic questions just fine. Her mental faculties seem mostly, if not completely, intact."

"Did you...tell her?" The doctor shook his head somberly.

"It's not for the best to upset her right now, not when she just woke up. When she's more alert, it will be your call if you want us to break it to her or if you want to do it yourself."

"So there's no chance now that you've seen her...that the diagnosis could change?" No reaction. Any hope that had collected within him was now dissipating.

"Nothing is one hundred percent guaranteed, Mr. Castle, but unfortunately, there's nothing yet that could make me change my original diagnosis. I'm sorry." With that, the doctor left the room, accompanied by the two nurses.

"Hey," Rick breathed as he approached Kate's bed. "How are you feeling?" Taking her hand in his once more, he could see the pain of her ordeal etched into her face.

"It...hurts...," she murmured, her words coming out slowly. He winced when she grimaced.

"I know, sweetheart, I know it hurts." The endearment slipped out, unchecked, but Kate, for once, didn't reprimand him. "But the doctor told me he gave you some medicine, so you'll start feeling better real soon. I'm so happy you woke up, though. Thanks for coming back to me."

"Always," Kate whispered. Rick beamed, happy tears blurring his vision.

"I love you," he said with a smile, running his hand softly through her hair. "I love you so much."

"I...know. I...I love...you, too...but...Rick...what happened?" His face fell at the prospect of having to explain.

"You were in a car accident, baby. A really bad one." Remembering what the doctor had said, he didn't offer any additional details.

"Espo?" she asked, her face darkening as memories suddenly flooded her mind. "Espo...he was with me. Is-Is he okay? Oh, gosh. Please...Rick...is he okay?"

"Javier is fine," he assured her. "Just a few bumps and bruises. Everyone is fine now." The lie soured against his tongue, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth.

"This...this...wasn't my fault...was it?"

"No, Kate, no. This was the other driver's fault. There was nothing you could've done, baby."

"You're...you're sure?" Rick could hear the desperation in her voice. Despite his intentions not to upset her, she was clearly distraught. "I'm sure. Ssshh, Kate. You look really tired, baby. I think those painkillers are beginning to kick in. Why don't you just close your eyes and go to sleep? I'll be right here, okay?"

"You...you promise? You'll be right here?"

"I promise," he said truthfully, leaning in to gently kiss her forehead. "I'll be here always, Kate. Now close your eyes, okay?" He watched as her eyelids slowly drooped down. After a moment, her hand went slack in his.

For the next few hours, Rick kept his promise. He watched over her, tenderly brushing the odd strand of hair out of her face, rubbing smooth circles into her hand, dotting small kisses against her brow.

But these quiet hours also left him alone with his thoughts. _How was he going to break the news to her? _He knew that he had to be the one to tell her. She would want to hear it from someone she truly trusted. But the moment when he would have to take on this task was fast approaching, he knew. Once Kate was alert, she would ask him about the bandages. The casts. And the halo.

_A part of him wished that she would sleep forever, remain as she was, blissfully pain-free and unaware, so that he wouldn't have to break her heart._

_A bigger part of him wished that he was in that bed, wearing that halo, because that would hurt far less._

_And the biggest part of him wanted to wake up and have this all be a horrible nightmare._

_**And if I only could**_

_**Make a deal with God**_

_**And get him to swap our places**_

A/N: Feedback would be great! Song lyrics at the end are from Placebo's Running Up That Hill (kind of a cliched part that I know has been used elsewhere but I love that song so much so I couldn't resist).


	7. Chapter 7

_So yeah, it's been way too long since I touched this thing. Blame it on the MONSTER essay I had to concoct, I suppose. I hope there are still people interested in this tale! _

Chapter Seven

It was early evening when Kate finally awoke. Her quiet murmurs as she worked to breach the surface of consciousness were loud enough to break Rick from his own stupor.

"Kate? Hey. Come on now, wake up," he tenderly urged her, deftly running his fingers along her cheek. Slowly, she complied with his request. As her eyes fluttered open, he managed a weak smile.

Not that he wasn't happy to see her awake. It was what he had to tell her that burdened him. Never before had dread constricted his whole being as it did now. There were no wise words, no clever quotes, no empathetic euphemisms that he could use when he broke the news. For once, the writer of wrongs, the master of the macabre, couldn't produce the correct words.

He almost wanted to blurt it out, just as his second declaration of love had been yanked unceremoniously from his mouth. "Kate, you're paralyzed. And you'll never walk again." There was a tiny part of him that felt the clinical, stoic approach was kinder. It was certainly less patronizing. And if he said it with reasonable conviction, there would be no question of his truthfulness.

But there was no way he could bring himself to do that. Maybe if she were someone he barely knew, his conscience would allow him. Kate, however, was the exact opposite of this. She was too much a part of him to be treated so harshly. He loved her too much.

"Castle..." Her quiet voice brought him back. He gently squeezed her hand, rubbing smooth ellipses into her skin. "You there?" It appeared she had picked up on his brief mental distance.

"Yeah, yeah," he sighed. "I'm right here." He hoped his tone didn't sound too offhand. But if he tried to put any other inflection into his words, his worries would be revealed immediately to her.

"You sleep too?" she asked. Rick smiled, amazed that she was still thinking of him over herself when she was the one in the hospital bed. But then, he wasn't surprised. It was just one of the 47000 things he loved about her.

"A bit," he lied. The truth was, his all-consuming grief about her condition robbed any thought of sleep from his mind. But he didn't want her to fret over him.

"You're lying," she whispered. "I always know when you're lying, Rick Castle. Why didn't you sleep?"

He didn't want to answer. He couldn't...but he should...he couldn't...

"Because I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to tell you!" He tried to chase his own words, but they tumbled out of his mouth as though they were escaped prisoners. So much for the "non-blunt" approach he'd wanted to take.

"Tell me what?" Kate questioned, eyes filling with fear. "Rick, what are you talking about?" And now there was no way out. No excuse. No escape.

"Kate," he began, tightly grasping her hand. "It's just...you're so lucky to be here, you know? You could've died...you landed on the ground so hard...so, so hard, Kate."

"But I'm here, Rick. You and I both know that. So what do you need to tell me?" She hadn't missed the tears that were beginning to ribbon from his eyes.

"Kate, when you fell, you hurt your neck really badly. Oh...Kate...you're paralyzed. You're paralyzed, baby. The...the doctors...they said...well, they said you won't be able to walk." He covered his mouth with his free hand, as though somehow this could assuage his overwhelming grief.

"But this is just temporary, right? I'll get motion back soon, won't I?"

Rick wanted to throw up. How could he look her straight in her hopeful eyes and break her heart? How could he give her more grief, more pain? How? He loved her more than his life and now his words were about to destroy hers.

"No, Kate. You probably never will." He watched through tear-smeared vision as Kate's face fell. Her eyes dropped until he couldn't see her pupils anymore. Her breathing suddenly became shallow and ragged.

"Why?" The question was barely above a whisper. It didn't even seem inquisitive. It was a dull, thunking word that punctuated the air and then dissipated.

"I don't know, Sweetheart. I don't know." Rick suddenly got up from his chair. Ignoring hospital protocol, ignoring the protests of his aching, nearly-atrophic muscles, he clambered into the bed. Careful to avoid bumping her and causing further damage, he wrapped his arms around Kate's battered body. She felt rigid against him, so unlike the countless times he'd snuggled against her during the long nights. But it was still _her, _and that was what mattered most.

"I love you so much, okay? So much. We can get through this and you have to believe me on that one. We will make it through. I will help you through everything and be there for you every bit of it." He hoped against hope that his words were able to bring some level of comfort to her. Kissing her cheek, his lips a litany of love against her skin, Rick could already feel the tears cascading down her face.

"I love you," Kate managed to mumble. "I think I...I need to go back to sleep, okay?" He knew that her sudden need for rest wasn't motivated by exhaustion or by painkillers.

_Maybe when she woke up, it would all turn out to be a dream._

"Okay, Kate. Sleep now. Just remember I love you, all right?" He pressed his lips to her forehead, allowing them to linger there for several moments, breathing her in.

And as she slept, he clutched her to him, as if somehow, by some miracle, he could protect her from the accident, from the injuries that covered her body, from the immense grief that now consumed her.

From the world.

_This chapter feels really short to me, but honestly, I feel like the whole reveal has more emotion when it is contained in one chapter with no other events to take away from the climactic moment when he finally tells her the full truth. (PS I listened to Come What May and I Just Want You, among other songs, so I hope my *feels* that I get from both those pieces translate well-plus aren't both of those great songs for fangirls?) Sorry for the shortness and delay. Feel free to leave feedback...or not. Not going to whine about review count! The fact that people even read this is enough praise._


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

"So...she's taking all this well?" Castle and Lanie were standing outside of Kate's room, whispering softly. Beckett was still sleeping soundly, and, truthfully, Rick was relieved. The less time she was awake, the less time she had to fully realize her situation.

"I just don't think she's processed it yet, honestly. I mean, she barely reacted the way most people would when she found out. I mean, I told her I would be there for her through all this, no matter what, and she just seemed to accept it." Sighing, Rick rubbed his hand against the back of his head. He felt tears stinging his eyes but blinked them back.

"Castle, listen to me. You know Beckett...you know her better than anyone. You know she hides behind walls. Don't expect her to break down immediately."

"It's just...I think the first step in her healing, if you can even call it that, is for her to..well..grieve. I've been in a sort of mourning ever since the doctor told me the news. I mean, my dreams were crushed too. My future was changed because she is my future. If I'm this upset, shouldn't she be as well-and even more so?"

"She's still drugged up, okay? She isn't as aware as she usually is. And you've had all this time to think about the implications of her injuries on your life together. Kate hasn't. Her grief will come. And you and I will be there to help her through it." Lanie reached out and comfortingly placed a hand on Rick's shoulder.

"I love her so much, Lanie. You know that. I don't care how hard it gets-I'm gonna be there. And I want to make sure she knows that. But when she shuts off the way she does, I can never be sure if my words have any effect on her." He shook his head, as though this singular action could somehow exorcise the demons that possessed his mind, feeding him these doubts.

"They do, Castle. She hears every word you say because you're that important to her." She gently enveloped him in a warm hug. And Rick was close to tears again when he realized he would never get a hug like this from Kate now. Not anymore.

Lanie quietly slipped into Kate's room. Castle opted not to follow her, knowing that he would be intruding on a private moment between two best girlfriends. He sunk into a chair and allowed his head to fall into his hands.

As though he somehow could hide away from his disintegrating world.

Lanie sat down at Kate's bedside and squeezed her friend's hand. Her skin felt cool to the touch. A faint heartbeat could be detected in her wrist-faint, but steady.

"Hey," Kate whispered suddenly, her eyes opening. "Lanie?" Her face lit up slightly at the prospect of having a new visitor. Not that she detested Rick by any means, but she didn't want to have to see his pained eyes and tired face until both features improved. However, she hadn't had it in her to argue with him to go home and get some proper rest.

"Yeah, sweetie. It's me. How are you feeling?" She leaned over and gently brushed a few wily strands of hair out of her friend's face.

"Tired. They're pumping way too many drugs into me." Lanie couldn't help but smile. Not everything about Kate Beckett had changed.

"They tend to do that. But at least the pain is manageable with them, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm glad you came...I was starting to get a bit tired of Castle staring at me like he thought I was going to die on him or something. I mean, I'm fine. I don't know why he's so fussed." Her tone was one of annoyance and this sent alarms blaring through Lanie's mind almost instantly. Something wasn't right here.

"Kate, he's really worried about you. We all are. We all care about you. And Rick loves you more than life itself. He's still scared he's going to lose you."

"Yeah, but I don't understand why he feels that way. I mean, I'm completely fine. So I've got some bumps and bruises...that's no big deal. I'll be back to normal in a day or two."

Lanie was sure that her face visibly crumpled at that. Her brow furrowed as she tried to think of what to say next. Either Kate was playing the sickest joke on her or...

"Kate...you remember what Castle told you, don't you?" But Kate merely rolled her eyes and laughed derisively.

"Yeah, I remember. That was a pretty asshole move of him, don't you think? Scaring me into thinking I was permanently paralyzed. I mean, he had me going there for a bit. But I'm completely fine. You know, I think he just said that so I wouldn't move around in bed and get hurt or something. He's being too paranoid. Can you just tell him that so he'll stop lying to me and looking all worried and all?"

Gutted. That was the only emotion Lanie knew how to feel when Kate finished speaking. Never before had such a sense of helplessness washed over her as it did in this very moment. She fervently hoped that Kate was still half-asleep from the drugs and was not in her right mind.

"Sweetie, why don't you just go back to sleep?" she suggested lightly, hoping that Beckett couldn't read between the lines and sense the immense concern that permeated her demeanor.

"Don't blow me off like that, Lanie. You know I'm fine. So TELL him I'm fine. TELL HIM, LANIE!" Tears began to fall in rivulets down Kate's face. "YOU TELL HIM I'M FINE! I'M NOT PARALYZED! I CAN STILL MOVE AROUND! I'M FINE!" She tried to lift her leg to prove to her friend that she in fact was okay, that of course she wasn't paralyzed and how could anyone even think that or lie to her like that.

And she tried again.

Again.

Nothing.

It was as though the leg attached to her was not from her body at all.

She was a marionette and her strings had been cut.

But that couldn't be, wouldn't be...shouldn't be. No.

No.

Again she tried to move her leg, wiggle her toes.

Something.

Anything.

Gravity no longer held her down. Her own body did.

And as much as she tried to tell herself that all of this was a lie Rick told her, all part of some cruel joke, of some fiendish nightmare, her leg remained stubbornly stagnant.

"Lanie," she whispered through her tears, through the tumor of grief that metastasized in her throat, her mind, her heart, her being. "Lanie..."

And Lanie watched as the denial that Kate built up slowly evaporated, leaving nothing but a scared little girl in a huge hospital bed waiting for a resolution that would never truly come. Because there were no answers for the "why". There rarely are.

"Get Castle...please. Get Castle." Her friend nodded and complied, leaving her alone momentarily to drown in the waves of pure horror and sorrow that crashed around her.

"Kate." Rick had no other words when he sat beside her. "Kate. Kate. Oh, Kate." His hand ran up and down along her arm, her face, her hair. He planted kiss after kiss wherever his hand trailed as though his lips could suck the pain from her skin.

"I'm...I'm..." She couldn't use the word. It surely would strangle her if she tried to produce it out loud.

"Yeah. But I love you, okay? Everything I told you before, everything I promised you...none of that has changed. None of it. Please know I would never lie to you."

But Kate couldn't know. She couldn't know anything when everything had changed. It was as though someone had put her whole life into a box, closed it, and shook it around for a few minutes. Everything was still there...but in all the wrong places. Everything was still physically present...but some parts were broken. Fractured forever in an instant, in a single moment.

It seemed so cruel. She'd lived thousands of moments having no substance and hadn't been adversely affected by it, excepting her mother's murder. But in a solitary impact, no longer than a breath, a blink...everything had been changed.

Everything...and nothing.

Rick was still here. Above all, he was still here. He still wanted her. He still loved her. He could've left and she wouldn't have blamed him. She was damaged goods in every sense of the word. But he hadn't. He was still here, still her solid ground, her North Star, her always. When she had nothing to offer him, he remained by her side.

And that was everything.

"Thank you, Castle. Thank you." She couldn't find the words to express what her heart wanted to scream-he was the writer, not her-but she hoped that he could feel every ounce of love she tried to convey.

"Always."

And she knew he could.


End file.
